Sunday, August 28, 2005

Jesus wept.

Well, more people check my blog than I thought. I thought fewer people would check it (that one's for you, Chris). Plus, my best friend threw me an incredible surprise party at which I told everyone I'd be blogging often. So I will give you an update on my present state of mind.

The goodbyes have begun. Tonight was the bulk of them, since it was my last Sunday. I've been struggling with how to say goodbye. I am actually quite an emotional person, and I tend to want to suppress and run away from this side of me. My sister, who shares this condition, calls it "feeling things hard". When I struggle to contain my emotion, I wonder if this is right. I just read a story in Acts where Paul and his friends "weep aloud" when Paul goes. I mean, it was different from my departure, because he knew he would most likely never see them again. But Jesus and David were also very emotional people. I used to think crying was a lack of self-control, or indulging in self-pity, but I'm starting to think it isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I've probably mostly suppressed it out of fear and self-consciousness. But I think good friends need to know how much they mean to you, and crying shows your pain in leaving them.

But past the crying issues, I'm just trying to leave well. To keep on track with God so that I have the right perspective on leaving - a mixture of gratitude for the years and experiences I've had here, sadness for those I'll leave, and excitement for how He'll develop His plan in my life more fully. It's a weird balance of feelings. Most of the time I'm off balance, feeling one part more than another. I'll feel super sad in the morning, then super excited in the afternoon. I go from hating change to loving it in the space of a half hour. I don't want to miss out on the lives of the people I love here, but I don't want to miss out on the plan God's got for me there. I get confused a lot. But overall I think I'm doing better than when I left for Belgium four years ago.

Some details - I will be living in the West Point Grey/Kitsilano area, in West Vancouver near UBC. I'm near the corner of Point Grey and Alma, which, if you mapquest it, is very near to the ocean. In fact, I've been informed that it's halfway between a nude beach and a gay beach. So it could be very interesting. I'm living in a basement suite with three girls I've never met. But it's cheap (for Vancouver), close to UBC, it has wireless internet, it's furnished and the owners are so nice. I'm flying out of Saskatoon on Sat. Sept. 3rd at 2:45 PM, and my orientation starts on the 6th. It's a one year program, and I don't know where I'll go in life after that. I'm hoping God will let me in on a little more of His plan this year.

My plan for tomorrow: go with Evan to buy me a digital camera (so I can post pictures on here!), then pick up Scott to buy me an acoustic guitar (so I can bring one to Van), and sleep over at Chris'. A day of purchases and fun.

Talk to you soon!

2 comments:

Lisa said...

i so totally completely understand. i'm exactly at that same state of emotional unstableness... and i'm pretty sure the only way to get officially over it is to be in vancouver itself instead of just wondering what's gonna happen there and seeing everything you're leaving behind here. but i wish you so much luck and so many blessings... if it works out we should get together one day. it would be tough but maybe things could work out. i know God will do amazing things through you there... bc is getting a true bonus, and saskatoon is losing an amazing leader and friend. i love you. :) xo.

Rachel Malena said...

hey lets have one more cry before you go ok? for old times sake. us feelin hard malenas. uuuugh.