Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Melba Conspiracy

I bet some of you are wondering about Melba, the mouse. I am unhappy to inform you that she is alive and well, despite the application of new mouse hunting tactics at our house. We now have four mousetraps set in our basement. The whole house smells of bacon, because that is our bait. These are the biggest mousetraps I’ve ever seen. They’re almost as big as my foot, which would probably be seriously injured if I happen to step on one accidentally. We also have a little device that emits ultra-high-pitch sound waves to make mouse ears hurt. And we stuffed the hole in the wall with steel wool, which mice apparently don’t care for.

Every morning I creep out of my room, nervously eyeing the traps, sure that this time, we’ve caught her. What do I find? She has once again chewed through the tape over the hole in the wall, and managed to push aside the steel wool. What’s more, there always seems to be a little less bacon on the traps, almost as if she’s cleverly nibbling away at it without tripping the traps. She’s the craftiest mouse I’ve ever seen. Although I’ve personally never seen her.

This brings me to my theory. What if this is all an elaborate scheme dreamt up by Danice and Bryanna? After all, they’re the only ones who have allegedly seen Melba. Mouse poop would be fairly easy to imitate and spread around the house when I’m away. They could sneak into the living room in the middle of the night and cut holes in the tape. With what motive, you ask? Well, perhaps it’s a cruel form of roommate initiation. They want to see how easily tricked I am. Maybe they’re testing my true love for nature by plaguing me with one of the most disliked creatures. Or maybe it was all so that they could plant the supposed ultrasonic emitter, which is actually some sort of spy gear. It might have something to do with the faked moon landing, or World War Three and the impending end of the world. I’ll keep you posted.

In other news, my cold is getting better. I’m feeling a little more settled. The Coldplay concert is the day after tomorrow (on my mom’s birthday!). The sun comes out once in a while. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Thanks for your advice and prayers!

3 comments:

Christine (the Calgary one) said...

Hello Beth!
My office this summer went through a whole mouse crisis and we stuffed those dryer sheet things in all the nooks and crannies - it seemed to work AND made it smell like fresh laundry goodnes. It was a win-win situation all around.
Just a thought :)
Christine

Smaj said...

You're not going to tell us about the skunk night?

What the h?

hvibqrwr

Bry said...

I like the fact that you still refer to Melba as a "mouse", when, in fact, she is a huge, scary, uncannily intelligent super-rat that can eat through steel...and a dryer sheet...and a Becel plastic container full of rotting veggie and fruit scraps. I fear she is attempting to chew through my bedroom wall next (I hear her plot and chew, plot and chew...and occasionally snicker in the middle of the night)...if you hear screams coming from my bedroom, please, just get Danice and save yourselves.