Tuesday, October 16, 2007

From our little kitchen to yours

It's time I shared with you some of Danice and Beth's greatest eating secrets. I don't want to overwhelm you with our cooking prowess, which is so impressive that it can't be contained in our kitchen, so this first installation will only deal with snack-like food. I will try to keep the instructions simple so you can follow along easily.

P.S. In writing this, I am obviously procrastinating from reading a book I have to read and review by Monday, called "Holy Scripture: A Dogmatic Sketch"... enough said.

Crackers and Cheese - a delightful twist on an old favorite

1. Buy Wheat Thins and Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
2. Take a Wheat Thin and drag it through the cream cheese.
3. Eat.

Peanut Butter Ice Cream - a "Fun Ugly" staple dessert.

1. Dish out vanilla ice cream. Don't be ashamed to buy the cheap no-name stuff ... it will be made edible by the next step.
2. Add one tablespoon of peanut butter. If you use the same spoon you used to scoop the ice cream, make sure you don't leave any ice cream residue in the peanut butter jar. This can look like mold, and your roommate might throw out the peanut butter due to her irrational fear of mold. Wait a minute... does peanut butter go moldy?
3. Add chocolate sauce. Heat it first if you want to get really fancy.
4. Add chocolate chips (unless you hate it when your chocolate chips freeze and get too crunchy in your ice cream. I don't mind.)
5. If you're Danice and you're CRAZY, add marshmallows.
6. Stir vigorously until well blended.
7. Eat. Slowly. Avoid brain freeze.

Yogurt-covered raisins - the only reason to go to Safeway.

1. Go to Safeway.
2. Find the bulk bins.
3. Fill a plastic bag with yogurt-covered raisins.
4. Pay for them. Earn 0.00258 Air Miles.
5. Eat. (You can start eating them on the bus ride home from Safeway.)

Tea and chocolate - a secret I bring to you direct from my time in Belgium.

1. Boil water.
2. Run like a MANIAC to take the kettle off the stove element when it whistles (if you're Danice).
3. Make tea. Chai and Earl Grey are our favorites.
4. If you have just made a sissy fruity kind of tea, pour it out. Those kinds are unacceptable. Herbal is barely acceptable. But peppermint is ok, because it tastes good with chocolate.
5. Alternatively, if there is already tea in the pot from yesterday, you may choose to heat it up in a mug in the microwave. Some tea purists think this is unacceptable. I am not a tea purist.
6. Add sugar and milk to taste. Actually, it works best if you put the sugar and milk in the mug BEFORE you pour in the tea. I learned this from Lindsey Mae, who always makes tea taste good.
7. But if you only read the first sentence of step 6 and you accidentally added the sugar AFTER you poured the hot tea, stir it in and listen to the sound of your spoon against the mug slowly descend in pitch. This is really weird. I swear. Try it. I think it has something to do with the sugar dissolving in the water... I don't know. I'm a biologist, not a chemist.
8. Blow on your tea. You do not want to burn your tongue because you will need it for the next few steps.
9. Take a piece of dark chocolate and place it on your tongue. Do not chew! Show some restraint.
10. With the chocolate balancing on your tongue, take a sip of tea.
11. Let the tea melt the chocolate right down into your tastebuds and savor the warm chocolaty glory.
12. Repeat steps 9-11 until tea and chocolate are gone.
13. Eat. I mean drink.

Cheggels - a recipe created by Rachel Malena (who also coined the name)

1. Get some cheese, an egg, and a bagel. (Is the name making sense yet?)
2. Cut the cheese, fry the egg, and toast the bagel.
3. Combine into a sandwich-like formation.
4. Cook for a couple minutes in the toaster oven to melt the cheese.
5. You may want to add more ingredients... a slice of meat, a tomato, Frank's Hot Sauce.
6. Add more Frank's Hot Sauce.
7. Add lots of salt. (I like salt.)
8. Eat.

Limp Celery Wars - a sport created by Rachel Malena (who also coined the name)

1. When you neglect to eat all your celery before it loses its crunchiness, don't throw it out. That's wasteful.
2. Instead, leave it in the fridge for a while. A couple of weeks should be good.
3. Break off a stalk. It should be quite limp. Give it a couple of shakes.
4. Whip it vigorously at your sister or roommate.
5. Repeat. Your opponent may also whip them at you. Defend yourself as best you can.
6. Eat... No, silly, DON'T eat. That's gross. This is a sport, not a snack.

It must be time for me to return to my book. May I point out that this is my second blog of the week. And my busiest week of school yet. And thus the busy-ness/lack of blogging theory takes another blow. In fact, I believe the two may be inversely related. Only time will tell.


Tim "Palantar" Jones said...

This is freaking hysterical. :) You procrastinate in style Beth :)

Lindsey Joy said...

O! How! I! Miss! You!

That is all, really.
Cept to say: yep, Danice is great.

Anonymous said...

may I suggest a slight improvement on the peanut butter ice cream sundae? Be warned, it does involve cooking, something I noticed that these recipes did not really include, hence I think your heading may be a misnomer. Back to the suggestion, heat your peanut butter as well as the chocolate sauce (though not necessarily together) and depending on your peanut butter type you may need to add just a touch of milk to make it smooth. Amazing the miriad ways we can procrastinate!

emily said...

Beth... I died. This is hilarious. I think I would get along very well with two such as yourselves. I love that you commented on my blog! How fantastic! I must say, I am intrigued by you as well. So here's to more than a brief hello in passing. (hear hear)

Amaris said...

Very funny. Thanks for sharing. I shall make good use of these in my own procrastination...