Jesus wept.

Well, more people check my blog than I thought. I thought fewer people would check it (that one's for you, Chris). Plus, my best friend threw me an incredible surprise party at which I told everyone I'd be blogging often. So I will give you an update on my present state of mind.

The goodbyes have begun. Tonight was the bulk of them, since it was my last Sunday. I've been struggling with how to say goodbye. I am actually quite an emotional person, and I tend to want to suppress and run away from this side of me. My sister, who shares this condition, calls it "feeling things hard". When I struggle to contain my emotion, I wonder if this is right. I just read a story in Acts where Paul and his friends "weep aloud" when Paul goes. I mean, it was different from my departure, because he knew he would most likely never see them again. But Jesus and David were also very emotional people. I used to think crying was a lack of self-control, or indulging in self-pity, but I'm starting to think it isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I've probably mostly suppressed it out of fear and self-consciousness. But I think good friends need to know how much they mean to you, and crying shows your pain in leaving them.

But past the crying issues, I'm just trying to leave well. To keep on track with God so that I have the right perspective on leaving - a mixture of gratitude for the years and experiences I've had here, sadness for those I'll leave, and excitement for how He'll develop His plan in my life more fully. It's a weird balance of feelings. Most of the time I'm off balance, feeling one part more than another. I'll feel super sad in the morning, then super excited in the afternoon. I go from hating change to loving it in the space of a half hour. I don't want to miss out on the lives of the people I love here, but I don't want to miss out on the plan God's got for me there. I get confused a lot. But overall I think I'm doing better than when I left for Belgium four years ago.

Some details - I will be living in the West Point Grey/Kitsilano area, in West Vancouver near UBC. I'm near the corner of Point Grey and Alma, which, if you mapquest it, is very near to the ocean. In fact, I've been informed that it's halfway between a nude beach and a gay beach. So it could be very interesting. I'm living in a basement suite with three girls I've never met. But it's cheap (for Vancouver), close to UBC, it has wireless internet, it's furnished and the owners are so nice. I'm flying out of Saskatoon on Sat. Sept. 3rd at 2:45 PM, and my orientation starts on the 6th. It's a one year program, and I don't know where I'll go in life after that. I'm hoping God will let me in on a little more of His plan this year.

My plan for tomorrow: go with Evan to buy me a digital camera (so I can post pictures on here!), then pick up Scott to buy me an acoustic guitar (so I can bring one to Van), and sleep over at Chris'. A day of purchases and fun.

Talk to you soon!

Let's get it started in here

Hi to all three of you who keep checking my blog in vain even though I never ever update it.

I thought I'd get the juices of this sleepy blog flowing because I plan to make good use of it over the next year. I'd like it to be my main line of communication with all of you in Saskatoon, so I can tell you everything I'm doing in Vancouver and all of the deep spiritual truths I'm learning at Regent. There are also rumors of me buying a digital camera so I can post pictures of the beach I'll be living ONE BLOCK away from. I'm not trying to rub it in or anything.

So blog, this is your first kick in the pants. Wake up. You will be well-used. For your information, I'm leaving town on Sept. 3rd. So please say goodbye to me before then. I'll be back for a month around Christmas.

For now, I have to feed Batrick the big brown bat.
And go to bed. Tomorrow it will rain and I will try to entertain 13 eight-year olds for 7 hours.

Best wishes,

Beth

Etcetera

I'm writing on my new laptop that my dad built me. His name is Tosiba, and he's very fast. He even has his own cute little wireless mouse. The mouse is called Ken.

Sorry about the lack of blogging. I ran into a lot of schoolwork etcetera. Nobody ever writes out the word etcetera anymore but I think it's cool to do so. I'm not really sure if I have anything valuable to say, but I will write nonetheless. Nonetheless is also a good word. It's the only time you get to string three other normal words together and call them a word. I wish I could do that more often. Like, allthemore.

I am in limbo. I had a great trip to Calgary at the beginning of the month, and my best friend did all the driving and was merciful to me when I didn't deserve it. I saw dead dinosaurs, live mammals, live plants, and good aunts. That rhymes. For real. Say it. I write my last final as an undergraduate student on the 27th. I start working at the university as an Ecology Camp leader on May 2nd. I convocate May 25th. I leave for Regent at the end of August (yes, I was accepted!). Then, who knows what? Perhaps I'll meet Justin for a cheesecake and a walk in Stanley Park.

About an hour ago, Darrell hit the stop button and Scott Kurtz, Jordan, Scotty and I finished recording our last track on Scott's CD. It's been a lot of fun being in the studio and pretending to be a rock star. I was thinking about how I never joined sports teams, but playing in a band gives you some of the same experience. In fact I would argue it's better. You get to be creative, you have to figure out how your part fits into the whole, and you play to the best of your ability. And there are some excellent moments when you're building off of each other and everyone hits that crash in the same glorious split-second and it feels so good. A musical high. Thanks to Scott for letting me be a part of the whole thing.

What else have I been thinking about lately? Friends and how incredible they are. My mouth and how so often I don't think of the words that leave it. How much stuff I've accumulated that I probably don't need. What beauty is and how much it's worth. I've been thinking about what people long to be told, because I've heard some of these things and been amazingly satisfied by them. "You are irreplaceable. You are needed. I want you beside me. I love the time I spend with you. You bring something unique to my life. I love the things about you that are "you". I appreciate what you do for me. What would I do without you? You're a gift in my life. I love you." I hope to say these things more and mean them.

God is good. I feel so blessed right now. And so tired.

Cell girls, I missed you tonight.

Allthemore,
Beth

Testify to love

Sometimes all it takes to wake you up is a good funeral. Good funeral is not an oxymoron. Today I learned that even "joyful funeral" is not an oxymoron. Have you ever seen people wave flags and sing praise at a funeral? Neither had I, until today. I wonder what the people from the funeral home thought.

This incredible woman of God, Susan Bodnarchuk, battled cancer at four different times in her life. Obviously, for her, life was too short and uncertain to waste it on self-pity. She spent her life on God. She spent it on her friends and family. She spent every cent of it. She got a standing ovation at her funeral for it. The testimony and legacy she left, proclaimed at her funeral, strengthened the faith of every person packed into the sanctuary, and, I'm sure, inspired the birth of new faith in many who, for the first time, realized that God was the source of every good thing in her life.

One person said that Sue pictured being with God after she died, and hearing him ask her, "Sue, did you learn how to love?" That hit me. Beth, did you learn how to love? Of course, that's the most important question. Because that's the most important command - Love the Lord your God, love your neighbor. This is why I'm alive. I sat there feeling like a fool. I've wasted so much of my time on myself, wrapped up in how things make me feel, how they affect me, whether things are fair or unfair. Especially lately. It's not Sue's death that makes me want to live, it's her life. It's such a good reminder from me, straight from God, right in the busiest time of the semester when I could very easily become completely self-absorbed. Please, all of you, if you notice me doing this, let me know before I waste any more time.

Thank you, to all of you, for giving me the chance to learn how to love you, and to learn how to love God through loving you. Love means being vulnerable, love hurts - I will be thinking about this on Good Friday - but love is always worth the pain - I will be thinking about this on Easter Sunday. There is immeasurable joy ahead. Sue is experiencing it now. I hope my funeral will be like hers. I want to bring as much glory to God as she did. I want to finish well. Since I don't know where the finish line is in my life, I need to run hard all the time. Love hard all the time. There is so little time. There are so many people to love. There is one amazing God to love. I need to start right away, this very minute.

Read Eph. 5:1-2 again- I quoted it in my last blog entry. I almost typed it all out again for this one. It's still blowing me away.

Sharpies are poisonous and gum is gross

I apologize for the mood I might be in, which may or may not affect the humour of this blog entry, or lack thereof. It comes from paper-writing. Once again, I'm trying to write a paper, and I suddenly feel the urge to blog. Don't ask me why this happens during paper-writing. I guess I'm especially verbose, yet tired of writing in French. Maybe one day I'll write a blog in French when I'm not so tired of the language.

I thought I should update you on my progress, referring to my last blog, about thinking about God every minute. Well, I'm sure not up to "every minute", but I do think I've made some progress. I have much more frequent conversations with him. I've experimented with different ways of reminding myself to do this. Funny you should mention Sharpies, Evan, because lately I have been writing a small cross on my hand with a black Sharpie as a reminder to include God in everyday activities. When I see it, I remember to talk to him. I am sure if I continue this on a regular basis the Sharpie ink will leak into my veins and poison me. I considered tattooing my hand. This would probably be the only reason I would consider getting a tattoo - if it means making God a larger part of my life, without risk of poisoning, what could hold me back? So far, the only thing holding me back is the slight possibility I will become a secret undercover missionary to Muslim people or people otherwise hostile to Christians, in which case the tattoo could be even more risky than Sharpie poisoning. So it is a dilemma. I will continue to keep you updated.

Also, I gave up MSN for Lent. This was a big step for me, I thought, but I haven't actually missed it as much as I thought I would. The only thing I miss is being able to have open-ended conversations. It's hard to be on the phone and leave air space for 10 minutes when you have nothing to say. In general, though, I have fewer misunderstandings with friends. I don't feel like I need to be talking to them at all times. I sleep more. I am more productive with my homework. Except right now. Right now, I am not being productive. But I'm almost done, and I'll get back to productivity. Anyway, for anyone who feels addicted to MSN, like I was, I recommend going cold turkey for a while. It worked for me. Either that or get the patch or the gum. On second thought, don't get the gum. Gum is gross.

On that note, I leave you with a passage from the Message that I've been trying to memorize:

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behaviour from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." (Eph. 5:1-2)

Love like that.

P.S. Speaking of love, cell group girls, don't forget your assignment to find a future husband. Due Monday. 10% off for each day you're late. 10% off your marital happiness, that is.

Every minute...

Last Sunday in my evening Sunday school class I heard about a guy named Frank Laubach. He was a missionary in the Philippines in the first half of the 20th century, witnessing to very hostile Muslim people. He was also a Christian mystic (though it seems to me that "Frank" is not a grand enough name for a mystic...). The thing that intrigued me about him is the way he transformed his life into an experiment. Here's a quote by him:

"We can keep two things in mind at once. Indeed we cannot keep one thing in mind more than half a second. Mind is a flowing something. It oscillates. Concentration is merely the continuous return to the same problem from a million angles. So my problem is this: Can I bring God back in my mind-flow every few seconds so that God shall always be in my mind as an after image, shall always be one of the elements in every concept and precept? I choose to make the rest of my life an experiment in answering this question."

So basically, every minute of his life he wanted to think of God. He wanted to keep his conversation with God going throughout the day, so as to be fully submitted to God and controlled by God. He wanted to remind himself moment by moment that God was with him and that every second of his life mattered to God. Frank said in some of his letters that this effort to talk to God every minute was extremely difficult at first. Sometimes he'd forget about God for half the day. But as the years went on, it became more of a habit. He started to feel as though he had lost something very precious whenever God slipped out of his mind. He found every minute of his life infused with new meaning and joy in God's presence. He said that once he mastered this effort of concentration, everything else in his life started to flow naturally out of it: "My part is to live in this hour in continuous inner conversation with God and in perfect responsiveness to His will. To make this hour gloriously rich. This seems to be all I need to think about."

Before reading up about Frank Laubach, I thought this was impossible. I mean, it's probably exactly how Jesus lived, constantly talking to his Father and receiving instructions from him, but I'm not Jesus. Frank gives me hope that with effort, I might be able to achieve this too. For me, the picture in my mind is musical - letting God communicate with me as a pianist's fingers press the keys, letting his music play through me. Always feeling the fingers touching the keys. (That sounds rather corny now that I read it to myself). But I think this is a challenge worth taking, and the sooner I start practicing God's presence, the sooner I will experience the kind of release and joy Frank felt. God help me. It's much easier for me to think about Him when I'm alone, or just listening to a lecture or walking by myself in a crowd. When I'm actually interacting with other people, it becomes very difficult to keep God in mind. I think it will take a lot more prayer. But this seems to be the key to maturing in my faith right now, to taking it to the next step, deepening my relationship with God. I'll keep you guys updated on how I'm doing with this ...

One more quote from Frank:

"You will object to this intense introspection. Do not try it, unless you feel unsatisfied with your own relationship with God, but at least allow me to realize all the leadership of God I can. I am disgusted with the pettiness and futility of my unled self. If the way out is not more perfect slavery to God, then what is the way out? I am trying to be utterly free from everybody, free from my own self, but completely enslaved to the will of God every moment of this day."

Appetizers

Hey guys.

I knew this would happen - if I got a blog, I would inevitably leave it hanging for long periods of time without updating. It's not that I haven't been wanting to... something else just always came up. And now, I have to write a paper for my French class, due in two days, and it seems like a fitting time to blog. Here are some tidbits of things I've been thinking about lately. It's better than nothing. Maybe I'll grab some of these topics at a later date and develop them a little further. Probably not. Think of them as appetizers.

- My body is my kingdom. It's the tiny section of this world that God has given me rule over. And, of course, as a Christian, I've given the rule back to him. But he's made me a steward of this body. How I take care of it, physically, emotionally, spiritually, what I import and export, who I choose to make alliances and wars with - this is all a reflection of my stewardship. Kind of a cool metaphor.

- Here's a big one to throw out - a question that I feel I should know the answer to, but was suddenly unsure when asked by a girl in my Jr. High Bible study. As Kate asked it, "Can you un-become a Christian?" Or in other words, "Once saved, always saved?". Is it possible to become a Christian and then turn away from God to such an extent that your name will essentially be "erased" from the book of Life? I've had some interesting debates, but the question is still up in the air for me. Any thoughts?

- I wish I had more time. Time to really get to know people. Time to sit outside and watch snow melt. Time to write songs, or attempt to. Time to read the books I really want to read. Time to assimilate and reflect on everything I've been learning. Time to fast and pray without cutting out sleep. Time to call up random friends and just hang out. Time to sit on my bed and play guitar. My life right now is without margins. Even reading week is filling up. Crazy.

- Other things I've been learning: When I get tired and don't start my day with God, I fall back into sins I thought I had conquered. Duh. Also, prayer actually gets answered. Another duh. I feel like God has made a huge change in me in the way I love people, as a result of many prayers to him about it. It's so revolutionary that I couldn't have done it myself, yet so subtle that probably few will notice. But I notice. I feel so much more free to love, without being so attached to what I get back from the people I love, without self-pity, even without as much pride. It's really exhilirating. I'm almost scared to write it in case it suddenly changes back, scared to believe it's really true, that I really can become new. I'll keep you updated on this.

In other news, for those of you who are out of touch with my life (I'm probably out of touch with yours too!) - I'm in the process of applying to Regent College in Vancouver for a year of Bible grad school starting in September. Thought you should know :)

I have to go eat supper.

Peace out.

i thank You God for most this amazing day

This is one of my favorite poems. It relates to my last post, so I thought I'd share it with you. It's by e.e. cummings, and yes, the punctuation and capitalization is supposed to be like that.


i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any - lifted from the no
of all nothing - human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Bio-awe

So I went to a seminar today and this old guy with an English accent told an incredible story about a Christian scientist. Well, to me, every story about Christian scientists is incredible. But this one was especially good.

It was about this scientist (I wish I could remember his name...) who was poring over all this data, late into the night, trying to figure out how the information in DNA bases could be transformed into proteins, what the code could be. Suddenly, he figures it out - like a "Eureka" moment - the reading frame of DNA. So what does he do? Run and call all his scientist friends? Or his wife, maybe? Jump up and down? No. He stays sitting in the same place for two hours. He's overwhelmed by one thought: "In the whole world, the only ones who know this amazing secret are me and God!"

It was enough to make me want to go into research. (The desire passed - research is not for me!) Really, though, I could kind of identify with this scientist. Some of my most amazing times with God have come about in my Biology labs. I could sit there for hours, watching fern sperm swim, or an amoeba creep across my slide, or thinking about the complexity of each one of my cells, and the miracle that I started out as one cell... and I'll think, "What an absolutely amazing God you must be to think this up! And I'm so grateful you let me enjoy it."

If I do end up going on in Biology, I think I'd want my job to somehow involve inspiring awe in people. Because so much of science and school sucks the awe right out. Which, as the seminar guy pointed out, is exactly what leads to things like genetic manipulation and euthanasia and cloning. If we're not in awe of life, we think we understand it all and we're masters over it. The awe reminds us of how small we are, how little we actually understand, and how we have no right to play God. But beyond that, this experience of biological awe points directly to our Creator, and it's powerful, even in the naturalistic science community. Brian MacLaren says it better than me:

"I remember in 8th grade looking forward so much to taking biology - a chance during school hours to indulge a personal delight. But to my huge disappointment, science studied animals in every way except the way that counted most to me. That red eft? It's nothing but a larval stage of the primitive vertebrate amphibian notophthalmus viridescens. That sunset? That's nothing but light being refracted through humid atmosphere. That house finch singing? That's nothing but a territorial organism's defense call...

I would be denying my truest sense of how things really are to go along with this view. In all of these beautiful things I could sense a taste of something so fine, a subtle clue, an enticing scent. Who can help but love these creatures, and in loving them, who can doubt that his or her love wants to reach through and beyond the creatures to their Creator? The world rings like a struck bell with this resonance: There is a God, and God is alive, and God is good, and God is beautiful. Science keeps leading me to faith."

There. Now, don't you all want to be in biology with me? And watch fern sperm swim for hours? I thought so.

Suffering for joy?!?

"The Christian lifestyle is so morally satisfying and fulfilling, with so many psychological and relational benefits that even if God didn't exist, even if it were all just a joyful delusion, it would be a good life anyway."

Has anyone ever said this? I know I've thought it before. I've been slowly reading a book by John Piper called "Desiring God", and he challenges Christians who think this way to look at Paul's life. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:19, "If we've only hoped in Christ for this life on earth, not for eternal life, we are the most miserable people in the world." When you look at his life, with beatings and imprisonments and stonings, it's not hard to see why he says he would be the most miserable man alive if he chose to live that way without good reason. Paul would never say the sentence at the top of this post.

Yes, we live in a different time than Paul, where we are rarely persecuted, where we rarely suffer for being Christians. Life is rosy for Christians in the West. Are we too comfortable? Are we willing to give up this cushy life of security for the sacrifices and, yes, the suffering that every type of ministry, and love itself, require? The kind of servant love the world needs to see in us will cost us time, convenience, effort, money, maybe even our very lives. Piper says Christians must choose to suffer.

And, incredibly, the reason they must choose it is for the joy it will bring. This is not masochistic. Paul actually rejoiced in his suffering (Colossians 1:24), he was pursuing the most deep and lasting joy there is - reward in heaven, strengthened faith and endurance, and the chance to show people around him what his faith meant to him, so they could share his joy in Christ. He wasn't doing it out of duty, or to prove how superior his faith was, or how high his tolerance for pain. He had no self-pity.

Suffering for joy. Sounds like an oxymoron. There are obviously dangers in becoming a "Christian doormat" and succumbing to self-pity. But too often we err on the other side, choosing to not serve sacrificially because we think the life of a Christian should be comfortable. I know that lately, I've chosen the fleeting pleasures of comfort and security over the sacrifice of ministry and love, and in so doing, I've chosen against joy.

For those of you who want something even more controversial (I'd love to hear your comments on this) check out this quote from George Otis on the ultimate form of Christian sacrifice:

"Should the Church in politically or socially trying circumstances remain covert to avoid potential eradication by forces hostile to Christianity? Or would more open confrontation with prevailing spiritual ignorance and deprivation – even if it produced Christian martyrs – be more likely to lead to evangelistic breakthroughs? Islamic fundamentalists claim that their spiritual revolution is fueled by the blood of martyrs. Is it conceivable that Christianity’s failure to thrive in the Muslim world is due to the notable absence of Christian martyrs? And can the Muslim community take seriously the claims of a Church in hiding?… The question is not whether it is wise at times to keep worship and witness discreet, but rather how long this may continue before we are guilty of hiding our light under a bushel?"